How To Slash Your Friends Without Losing Your Mind
by Obscurus Lupa
Summary: Lori KNOWS that Tommy and Merton are gay, and is out to catch them redhanded and prove it to the world.


How To Slash Your Friends Without Losing Your Mind  
  
By: Obscurus Lupa  
  
Rated: PG for slashy themes and cursing.  
  
Summary: Lori suspects that Tommy and Merton are gay. No one else seems to know or care. So now Lori's determined to catch them red-handed.  
  
Distribution: Tell me what site you want it on, and I will be happy to oblige.  
  
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. :( Well, the content of this story, but the characters, places, etc. are sadly not mine.  
  
There they were. Kissing again. Kissing again. Their lips were interlocked, their hands were groping, and the wolf and the Goth didn't seem to care.  
  
And she hated them for it.  
  
Every single touch. Every single tender kiss they shared. Well, almost shared. She had never actually caught them . . . but she knew it happened. It was as if she didn't exist. Why couldn't she have them?  
  
It wasn't like Lori was selfish. She just wanted the two boys to herself. Separately. When she had first arrived at Pleasantville High, the two of them couldn't wait to get into her pants. Now what? They were gay. Raving, Gay Pride Flag waving, campy, groping gay men. And she was sick of it.  
  
No one seemed to have noticed either. It wasn't like they were terribly stealthy about it. A couple whispers and giggles, and they were definitely getting ready to lip-lock. Why didn't anyone catch on to this? Tommy was still the popular jock, and Merton . . . well, he was just Merton. The people in the Pleasantville community couldn't have been that dense, could they?  
  
She'd suspected it for a while now. Little things-like exchanges of looks, little touches her and there-just seemed so blatantly gay that the two had to be together. And she was determined to prove it.  
  
For some odd reason, she had started writing about these events. She wasn't nosey, but . . . the events seemed so fitting on paper in lettering.  
  
This gave her an idea.  
  
Why not keep going? Things like this always happened. No one noticed what had to have been going on between Merton and Tommy.  
  
If they weren't going to find out their relationship for themselves, then she would write it down and find a way to prove that these two were indeed raving homosexuals. Raving homosexuals who couldn't keep their hands off of each other.  
  
This idea grew and grew, and she soon had pages upon pages of events the boys had caught themselves in. This was going to be a book. This book was going to reach the hands of every Pleasantvillian if Lori had to track every one of them down personally. Pleasantville would know the secret of the American-as-apple-pie son of the mayor and the shunned outcast of Pleasantville High.  
  
After a couple days of watching them closely, Lori had a good four paragraphs detailing what she knew. This wasn't going to be good enough, though. A simple friendly gesture could be, well . . . a simple friendly gesture. If she wanted to get the real dirt, she would have to catch them in action.  
  
So she did what anyone else would do, and dressed in fatigues, taking her notebook and following the two of them. Phase Two was about to begin.  
  
Or maybe it was Phase One. Technically, this was adding to the other paragraphs, and therefore still part of the original plan.  
  
Whatever. She was in a Phase, either way.  
  
Her first mission: Catch the boys in the yard without being caught herself.  
  
She was already peeking over the fence, watching them both trudge through the snow. It wasn't long before Merton had picked up a snowball, hitting Tommy across the back. Tommy laughed. Lori was angry. No one had invited her for a snowball fight. Nonetheless, she got her pencil ready, positive that this would lead to more "secret" make-out sessions. With one graceful swoop, Tommy had a giant ball of ice in hand and chucked it at Merton, knocking him unconscious.  
  
Damn. Negative. On to Mission Two.  
  
This didn't seem like a very good chance at catching the boys. Movie night was, after all, a tradition for the two boys. Which reminded Lori. She was never invited to those, either.  
  
Oh well. This had to have promising events in store. Merton and Tommy thought they were alone. It would be their perfect chance.  
  
The lair didn't seem to be giving off "movie night vibes." It looked like the boys were preparing for a spell.  
  
"A true love spell?" Tommy was asking Merton.  
  
"Yeah! Once this is done, we'll be able to find out who our soulmates are!"  
  
Merton dramatically chanted. Lori knew it. She just knew it. They would discover their true loves to be each other, and fall madly in love, therefore leading to make-out sessions and other general gayness. It was bound to happen It had to.  
  
The chanting stopped and Merton stared at the cauldron in front of him, gasping. Lori smirked and got her pencil ready.  
  
"Darn it! I knew I was missing an eye of newt!"  
  
The smoke filled the lair and Tommy and Merton cleared out. Lori ducked behind some bushes and out of sight. Another negative. Time for Mission Three.  
  
The night wore on, snow falling delicately. For some reason unknown to Lori, Tommy had spent the night at Merton's. Something had to happen. Tommy was practically inside Merton's bed already.  
  
And they were snowed in. The whole place, covered in white powder. Lori had managed to dig herself out of the snow, looking around for a shovel. Nothing was in sight but ivory mountains. She sighed. She wasn't going to get any dirt sitting out here. Wearily, she began to dig with her frozen hands through the snow toward the house.  
  
But the snow melted. And there was a flood.  
  
A big flood.  
  
Lori had managed to cling to a branch. Tommy and Merton washed up nearby. They were soaking wet. They were shivering. They were clinging to each other. Damn it! You're right there! Start being gay already! Lori thought to herself.  
  
But the sun came up. The boys woke up. They stood up. They dried off. They didn't so much as glance at each other.  
  
Why wasn't this working? Every single situation, every possible reason for the boys to act like homosexuals, and they still were acting as if they were straight. Not so much as a kiss. What the hell was wrong with them? The love spell, the snow, and movie night which undoubtedly happened behind her back? They were fruitcakes! Fairies! Jezebels! Jockers! Raving, insane, uncontrollably gay lovers!  
  
"ARGH!"  
  
She fell from the branch, cursing loudly to herself. Tommy and Merton stared at their soggy friend in confusion.  
  
"What's her problem?" Tommy asked Merton in bewilderment.  
  
"Beats me," Merton shrugged off, "But I'm sure it'll pass. Besides, we've got a date . . ."  
  
Lori looked up in hope.  
  
". . . with the television and a Twilight Zone marathon."  
  
DAMN IT!  
  
The End  
  
A/N: Really, I had hoped this would be better. Detailed reviews, please. 


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